Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
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Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”