Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*

Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.