Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

I just stopped by to water my horse.

Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm