Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

never ask a starfish for directions

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.

10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.