Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?

I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.

Well, this certainly took a turn

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren

I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?

5: Pencils. Duh.

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.

Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.

(one hour later)

Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.

Stomach: Gross

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed