Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
You Might Also Like
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I’m giving up for Lent.
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea