Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
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My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
You might just have to resign…
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
SCARY COSTUME
is this store having a stroke wtf
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Salad is the decaf of food.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
starting a garage orchestra
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did