Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.

Yellow duck mess, my old friend.

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

Me: Alexa, play music

Cop: where do you think you are?

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

guilty

[forest precinct]

DETECTIVE OWL: HOO

BEAR: I dont know

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: I DONT KNOW

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!

7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?

Me: Did you eat your greens?

7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”