Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
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Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.