Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
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REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.
Husband: What experts?
Me: Experts.
Husband: But who?
Me: Me. I’m the experts.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Sell your car
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids