Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?

3yo: No.

Hubs: Is that a new one?

3yo: Yes.

Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?

3yo: …Yes.

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

i actually laughed 😩

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.