Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

Women: When
are you leaving?

Men: In the morning.

W: Yeah but what time.

M: Morningtime.

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”