Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree

Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.

Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.

George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*

George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.