@the_wordwizard

Buy the haunted house…

You’ll never be lonely.

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@caperbc75

Do you think the guy responsible for squirting water in NFL players’ mouths has “rehydration specialist” listed on his LinkedIn profile?

@amselts

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

@juliussharpe

Count Chocula cereal is the perfect combination of breakfast and fear.

@Kauaibride

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

@Social_Mime

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

@ComedicBust

Does anyone know the life span of a honey baked ham? Please say 6 months.

Never mind, I’m just gonna pretend everything’s going to be ok.

@Ideal_Victoria

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

@Lmao

What I said: I forgot my book. What the teacher heard: I hate school, I hate you & I don’t want to make something out of my life.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

@envydatropic

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?