Do you think the guy responsible for squirting water in NFL players’ mouths has “rehydration specialist” listed on his LinkedIn profile?
Buy the haunted house…
You’ll never be lonely.
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*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Count Chocula cereal is the perfect combination of breakfast and fear.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Does anyone know the life span of a honey baked ham? Please say 6 months.
Never mind, I’m just gonna pretend everything’s going to be ok.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
What I said: I forgot my book. What the teacher heard: I hate school, I hate you & I don’t want to make something out of my life.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?