One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
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peep davidson
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
This headline is a thing of beauty
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married