My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Buy the haunted house…
You’ll never be lonely.
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Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Disney: Just her mom?
Disney: Her dad?
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
*cat rubs against genie lamp*
G: you get one wish
Cat:*makes eye contact & slowly pushes lamp off table*
G: guess who just wished for a dog