Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.

Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.