Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

[god creating elephant]

“overfeed that aardvark”

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table

Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face