buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
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In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
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Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.