Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
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When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
new dr. seuss book dropping:
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
lumberjacks will cut a birch
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Whoa 😂
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
