@BatmanOffDuty

*buying a dog*

Is this a good dog?

“Oh yeah, very good dog.”

Do any tricks?

“No, I’m clean, selling dogs now.”

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@kelkulus

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

@JoParkerBear

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

@Mom_Overboard

[INTERVENTION]

Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.

Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM

@djdarrellripley

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

@Carbosly

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

@moose_chocolate

Autocorrect changed “you’re so wise” to “you’re so wide”, and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.

@FU_TangClan

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

@Alohababe2011

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit