A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
*buying a dog*
Is this a good dog?
“Oh yeah, very good dog.”
Do any tricks?
“No, I’m clean, selling dogs now.”
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You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Autocorrect changed “you’re so wise” to “you’re so wide”, and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit