Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
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My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
My dad is at it again
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.