Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
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I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
👽
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
never deleting this app.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Finally, an explanation.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?