Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
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casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
who wore it better?
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂