Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
You Might Also Like
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳