Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

ME, 10: I want a big mansion

ME, 20: I want a cool apartment

ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that

Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.