Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
You Might Also Like
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off