Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

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If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.


Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia


You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.


ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn


Very envious of the people who are out enjoying wilderness. It looks rad but I do not know anything about nature. I didn’t realize deer were real until like a year ago. I thought they were made up for Bambi.


Don’t say their name during sex. Just keep saying “oh God”.

You’ll be safe.


INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?


boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?