Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
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Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
This meal prepping shit is easy
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5