Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@david8hughes

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

@AntozWolf

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

@MrGeorgeWallace

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

@neiltyson

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

@panmidwest

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

@DrakeGatsby

Very envious of the people who are out enjoying wilderness. It looks rad but I do not know anything about nature. I didn’t realize deer were real until like a year ago. I thought they were made up for Bambi.

@TumblrsFunnies

tax benefits

@sweet_an_sexy26

Don’t say their name during sex. Just keep saying “oh God”.

You’ll be safe.

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

@HenpeckedHal

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?