Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
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*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
This could be us… but you playing
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
That was easy.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.