Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?

Friend: My oven.

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”