Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
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*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
Already got one
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.