Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
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Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
You got this…
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.