Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

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“911, what’s your emerg-”

“The women at work have synced their uteri and it’s Hell”

“Sir uteri is not plural for ute-”



*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the


Daughter just told me my hair looks good. The request for a ride will be coming in less than 10 minutes.


Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”


“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.


BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?


Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.


ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant


Simmer down with all the cheating bro, its a relationship not an Algebra exam.