Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
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I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
meow
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?