“911, what’s your emerg-”
“The women at work have synced their uteri and it’s Hell”
“Sir uteri is not plural for ute-”
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
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*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
Daughter just told me my hair looks good. The request for a ride will be coming in less than 10 minutes.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Simmer down with all the cheating bro, its a relationship not an Algebra exam.