Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
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My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
#merica
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.