[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
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Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift