[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
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My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️