Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800

Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.