Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

I love the National Park Service.

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions

Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…

Me: Doesn’t everyone?

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be