buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
You Might Also Like
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
might go to prison so i can focus on the gym properly
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise