Buying a well is money well spent.
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*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?