Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

Love is always patient and kind.

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.