Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol

Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.

Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

One cake enters. No cake leaves.

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

some cats are just doing for fun!

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?