Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
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.
.
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I still have Pringles?

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

I feel it

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

Me: “I wish I was super hot…”

Menopause: “I got you, boo.”

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me