[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
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*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes