[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
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ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?