buying dead houseplants to save time
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Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
My life is fraught with reality
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.