buying dead houseplants to save time
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[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
My typo game is string.