Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.

#math

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.