[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
You Might Also Like
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
This line from Airplane.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Worst Native American name ever.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”