Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dad and his duck

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

Morning all.

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

This story is comedy gold 😂

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.