Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”

When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?