[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
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Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Seals are just dog mermaids.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.