[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
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I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
My kitchen overserved me.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.