Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions

Meow

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading