Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
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“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.