Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
