Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
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“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.