Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?

me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.

9yo: oh… so I should lie?

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f

Me: k, I’ll check for sure

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects