Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
You Might Also Like
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I can’t wait!
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Sunday
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.