Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
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GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Imma just leave this here…………
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister