Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
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The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Finally
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*