Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”

Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”

Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”

Me: *fakes a seizure*

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.