Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
You Might Also Like
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.