Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*

Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

Imagine having a party on purpose.

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

The cycle continues

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.