Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
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3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
How did we not see this back then?
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha