Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN

An Autobiography

Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.

Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no

spicy snake

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

[ autumn, 1579 ]

pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!

spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!

susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen