Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

Hear me out.

The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.

The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.

It’s a system I think would work.

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?

Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..