Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

same but as an audience member

If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

real

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad