[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
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*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
About to throw up
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now