[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
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“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Mornin. * use accordingly
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
S O O N
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.