[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
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Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.